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Christmas Shopping: A Survivor’s Guide by Dave Barry

dave barry

by Dave Barry

dave barryGifts for Men: “Men are amused by almost any idiot thing – that is why professional ice hockey is so popular – so buying gifts for them is easy. But you should never buy them clothes.”

Men believe they already have all the clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh at him (“You’re not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?”).

So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires”.

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Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and Uncle Sam

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. Continue reading Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and Uncle Sam

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THIRD IN LINE

A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven. Continue reading THIRD IN LINE

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WAKING PAT THE DIVINE

– submitted by JT Gaiden

 

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. They decided to have fun with the man.

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An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist in cabins

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are staying in three adjoining cabins at a decrepit old motel. Continue reading An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist in cabins

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Three proofs that Jesus was . . .

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN

1.) His first name was Jesus.
2.) He was bilingual.
3.) He was always being harassed by the authorities.

Continue reading Three proofs that Jesus was . . .

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MR. FIX-IT

by Anne Audrey.

Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist, and an engineer.

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Microsoft error messages in haiku

haiku

 

Japanese office workers
Japanese office workers

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages.

haiku
haiku

Haiku poetry has strict construction rules – each poem has three lines and only 17 syllables; 5 syllables in the first, 7 in the second, 5 in the third. They are used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity. Here are 16 actual error messages from Japan.

Below, the essence of Zen:

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

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One day, while a seamstress was sewing . . .

One day, while a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

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Patrick went into his favorite pub . . .

Patrick went into his favorite pub in Dublin and ordered 3 pints of Guinness, to be served all at the same time.

 

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It’s a matter of perspective . . .

The Pope and The Rabbi

 

Several centuries ago, the Pope declared that all Jews had to leave Vatican City. Naturally, a great uproar ensued in the Jewish community. So, the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a representative of the Jewish community. If the Jewish representative won the debate, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won the debate, the Jews had to leave.

 

Continue reading It’s a matter of perspective . . .

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The Nature of Comedy

by Jay Cornelius and John Hargrave

 

 

Continue reading The Nature of Comedy